Right now I’m a little disappointed in myself.

This break up has been a toll on my body and mind to this day, and while it was only a month ago I feel as though these feelings shouldn’t at all be worth it. He’s not worth my tears, my heartache. The problem is at one point I was sure he was worth it.

I don’t understand people. There’s no justification for what happened, and the people who try to justify it are low life assholes bent on justifying their own hurtful actions. But for him to know it was bull shit? For him to sit there and recognize that to him I was perfect, that I deserved the best, and that he’ll never find another girl like me and yet still do what he did to me? It doesn’t make sense.

I’m struggling with every single emotion I’ve been having lately. I feel foolish for thinking of when we were happy. I feel ridiculous for keeping some of the same habits as when we were together, like leaving space for him in my bed, and feeling strange where I stand across the street where he used to pick me up to go home.

I cry because I can’t believe it’s over. I cry because I can’t believe how heartbroken I am when I promised myself everything would be alright. It’s why I struggle in finding a happy place, having bliss again. Out of all the suffering I went through for the past few years he was my bliss. And now it’s all over.

While I know I deserve much better I don’t expect I’ll actually ever be treated the way I deserve. I’ve lost all faith that there’s anyone on this planet with a heart and mind, who isn’t just a selfish pig, but someone who truly cares for me and knows what that means.

One guy is cliche, and I don’t expect the actions to be consistent.
One guy is trying his hardest to stick by my side and be there for me, but something tells me his love for me isn’t out of true desire but sympathy.

But does it matter either way?

How can I ever trust anyone again…

An anonymous person has been posting on my Formspring, speaking encouraging words. While I appreciate it at face value, if my suspicions of who is posting are correct it absolutely eradicates any meaning whatsoever. Encouraging words mean nothing if you’re just like my ex fiance; a cheating whore with no real sense of what love truly is, abusing the word just to take advantage of those truly looking for it.

I pray it’s not her but someone worth my time to listen to. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s posted to someone’s Formspring after being dismissed by others for her horrendous personality and lies. The last thing I need is someone who really doesn’t get it pretending as if they do with cliche lines and false hope.